Assertiveness 101
By DeAnna Burghart
It's almost impossible to be a project manager without running into situations where you end up feeling frustrated, helpless, and even angry. Managing conflicts is a part of the job - a part that almost all of us wish we could do better.
Conventional wisdom holds that there are 3 main categories of dealing with conflict: passive (submissive), aggressive (overbearing), and assertive. Passive reactions allow others to control you, and permit others to violate your rights. Aggressive behavior aims at controlling others, thus violating their rights. Neither passive nor aggressive behavior will resolve a situation satisfactorily for both parties - someone will always feel walked on.
By contrast, assertive behavior focuses on stating your needs directly and non-aggressively, without violating anyone's rights in the process. Assertive individuals focus on win-win solutions, and attempt to meet everyone's needs to the degree possible, including their own.
Assertive problem solving requires first that you identify the undesirable behavior or situation, and second that you request a change to correct it.
Identifying the Problem
A typical assertiveness tool is the "I" message:
I feel ______ when _______ because _________.
These statements focus on identifying:
- the troublesome behavior
- feelings caused by the behavior
- the effects of the behavior
| Passive | Aggressive | Assertive |
| Why are you throwing this stuff at us at the last minute?! |
Another last-minute project! You're driving us crazy! |
When these last-minute projects are assigned without consulting me I feel frustrated, because I can't plan accurately for department workload. |
The third approach assertively identifies a maddening behavior that most of us have experienced (last-minute project assignments without consent or consideration), as well as the feelings it provokes (frustration) and the effect of the behavior (bulldozing workload plans). The problem is stated clearly and concisely, without passive whining or aggressive confrontation.
Another example most of us can relate to is the never-ending meeting syndrome.
| Passive | Aggressive | Assertive |
| Oh, please, not another meeting! Do I have to be there? |
I'm sick of all these meetings! How do you expect me to get my work done? |
When we meet for hours back-to-back like this, I feel unproductive because I lose time I need for handling project issues. |
While "unproductive" isn't exactly an emotion, it gets the point across better than "angry". Anger is such an aggressive emotion that most of us will naturally react to any mention of it with defensiveness or hostility. There are times when expressing anger is unavoidable, but it's best to address it through its underlying and less threatening causes (fear, frustration, unhappiness, etc.) whenever possible.
Requesting a Change
Assertive requests for a change in behavior should also focus on "I" statements. For instance "I would like to finish my thoughts without being interrupted" is assertive, whereas "I wish you'd stop interrupting me all the time" is aggressive. The latter statement sounds like exaggeration, and in spite of the use of "I" focuses on the offending party's unacceptable behavior, thereby putting them on the defensive. The former statement focuses on the speaker's needs, does not make them more important than the offending party's, and does not put anyone on the defensive.
| Passive | Aggressive | Assertive |
| Can't we do something about this meeting schedule? |
I'm not going to another meeting. You'll just have to do it without me. |
I'd like to review our meeting schedule and attendance lists for possible changes. |
The first option is passive because it gives the power and initiative to resolve the conflict to someone else. ("Can't we?" Answer: "No." "Oh, alright." ) The second takes the initiative, but will obviously seem confrontational and uncooperative. An assertive statement simply proposes a reasonable action to resolve the conflict, without whining and without being overbearing.
Remember to keep your non-verbal communication as well controlled as your words: a pleasant, reasonable, and firm tone of voice, appropriate body language and facial expressions. Assertive statements will have little success when accompanied by mixed signals, either passive (slouching, downcast eyes, fidgeting, fussing with props like binder clips or glasses) or aggressive (scowling, glaring, etc.).
Assertive Discipline
Assertiveness is a great mindset for managing disciplinary situations with your team members, but special considerations apply in these more sensitive interactions.
Pay attention to what the environment contributes to the message. Use a private space, and keep it as neutral as possible. If you plan on meeting with someone in your office, come out from behind your desk to do it; this makes you more approachable and invites two-way communication. Never, ever reprimand someone in front of others, under any circumstances. It is not just unproductive, it is counterproductive; it makes everyone uncomfortable, and the humiliation it brings to the recipient will almost certainly drown out any constructive criticism you provide.
Sandwich any criticism, however well deserved, between two very thick layers of praise. Most of us know and recognize this principle, but pay it only lip service. Scathing evaluations topped off with a cursory and generic remark about being "a really valuable asset" are transparent and useless. Most of us remember criticisms much more vividly than praise. The recipient is bound to walk out feeling defensive and resentful: if he's such a valuable asset, how come you didn't have anything nice to say about him? Also, address the behavior, not the person! The goal is not to shame employees into compliance, but to make them genuinely want to improve.
Finally, productive assertiveness requires two-way communication. Listen carefully; and use good eye contact, attentive body language, and clarifying questions to assure others that you've actually heard what they said.
Assertiveness Resources
The "Assertiveness Tip Sheet" by Deborah Manning of Tufts University Department of Human Resources is a short but useful explanation of assertiveness and has some easy tips to move you in the right direction. It includes several examples of assertive and aggressive "I" statements.
Asserting Yourself by Sharon Anthony Bower has many practical tips for learning to assert yourself without being overbearing or aggressive. It focuses on DESC scripts for positive assertiveness: Describe, Express, Specify, and state (positive) Consequences. Chapter 5 details this scripting technique and Chapter 6 includes some sample DESC scripts for typical situations (such as clarifying instructions, requesting participation in meetings, and saying no to unreasonable demands). Because she comes from a theater background, Ms. Bower emphasizes "acting" assertive - controlling setting and mood as much as possible and memorizing responses to the "downer" lines you're used to hearing.
Another favorite of mine is Lions Don't Need to Roar by D.A. Benson. Chapter 19, "Guts - Finding the Courage to Do What Others Won't," has some excellent tips for being an Initiator (a subject related to assertiveness).
Finally, What To Say When You Talk To Yourself by Shad Helmstetter is a classic that's still worth reading. Although it's not specifically focused on assertiveness, it is an excellent resource for anyone interested in "reprogramming" undesirable behaviors, with lots of practical (and easily implemented) tips and advice.
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